So... my New Year's resolution to update more to DeviantArt clearly has still not happened. I feel awful. Why can't I just do this?

Now, I hate to be the one that keeps writing post after post of "I'm sorry I haven't updated, but I promise I will!"... so I'm taking this journal entry in a slightly different direction.

I just feel that I have no creative inspiration. Well, that's not entirely true... I have ideas here and there, but only at times when I am completely unable to take the time to draw. For instance, when I'm at work. Then, by the time I get home, the idea I had is all but completely gone.

There are other times when I have the ideas and the time, but I just can't motivate myself to get started. It's been years since I've really produced a complete drawing. When I think of it now, I just think of how out of practice I must be, and I can't bear to see how terrible I must be now. I will be the first to admit that I am a perfectionist, and I just don't know if I can bear the frustration of having to relearn everything... especially since I wasn't all that great to begin with.

It's almost funny in a way, though. Once upon a time, I thought I was going to grow up to be an artist. I wanted to be a computer animator. I wanted to work for Pixar. You may think it's odd that I went to school for Music Education with those goals, but that's what happened. I hated my high school art classes, and loved band... so that's the direction I chose.

I don't know if I would say I regret that decision, because my college experience in music school was a great one. However, I graduated with virtually no urge to teach anymore... and completely lost my chance at any art career.

I did request some info from the local Art Institute, and then avoided all their calls. I didn't really mean to, I just was never home when the called. By the time I was available to answer the phone, I had realized that there was no way I could afford to start over for a new degree. Not if I wanted to have a family at home, which I do. And even if I did go for it... what would I then do with THAT degree? The whole reason I would even try is to get that dream job at Pixar, and I just need to accept the fact that will never, ever happen.

Even if I were to ignore all of that, however, why can't I just draw for myself anymore? Why does it have to mean anything? When I try to draw my old characters, I'm afraid I'm just being childish. If I try to create new characters, I worry I'm just being more childish. When I try to draw what I see, it just doesn't look right. If I try to recreate my emotions l on paper, I honestly just draw a blank.

This used to come so naturally to me. I was the kid that doodled through all my classes. I had a character for everything. I played games with my dad where he would draw a random shape on the back of a placemat and I would turn it into something else. I would climb a tree in my backyard with a sketchbook and a pencil and stay up there for hours.

Where did all that go?

Every time I stop here on DeviantArt, I tell myself I will start again.

But I haven't.

It makes me so sad. It really does. I just wish I knew how to jump back into it. Even if it's only baby steps. I miss drawing. I know it's a piece of my soul that I have lost over the past several years, and I really do want to find it again. If only I knew where to look.